Sunday Night Draaaaaama!

Ok, so we are getting the roof fixed on our house this weekend.  Welp, husband informs me that there is a chance we won’t have DirecTV this week because him and his new BFF didn’t get a big enough dumpster AND didn’t get enough supplies to finish the job in two days.  So there is a very very very good chance we won’t have DirecTV for about a week.  And the season finale of True Blood is on tomorrow night. 

So, my options are:

1. Go to the in-laws who have HBO and watch it there.  Hubby and Gus will probably tag along and since they don’t have DVR, we won’t be able to pause it when Gus has one of his 30 fits about vampires or whatever is bugging him at the moent.
2. I am pretty sure Dawn and Michelle from work have HBO.  It would be kinda weird to ask myself over their houses but this is an option.  Hubby will be pissed because I will make him stay at home with kiddo.
3. Get a hotel room at one of the seedy hotels in Danville.  It should only cost $20 but I am pretty sure I’ll get pregnant and clamaydia at the same time.
4. Convince hubby and roofing dudes to not fix the corner of the roof that the dish is attached to.
5. Do without it and watch it in a few weeks when our TV is up and running.
6. I am sure I can find clips of the finale on the internet during or shortly after but I am a little impatient so this probably won’t work.

Where the heck have I been?

1. Stupid work.
2. Going to peopleofwalmart.com.
3. Going to awkwardfamilyphotos.com.
4. Doing stupid summer yard work.
5. Putting my dog “down”.
6. Watching Big Brother and hating Natalie and Lydia and Chima and Ronnie and pretty much everyone except Jeff, Michelle and Russell.
7. Watching True Blood almost religiously and squealing on Monday mornings with Dawn over Alex Skaarsgard.  hubba hubba

Miss me?  How was your summer?

New favorite website

For those reader that is unemployed or the other one who is employed but has nothing to do all day long…I bring you my new favorite website.

www.textsfromlastnight.com

It is BRAZILIANT!!

Here are some samples of what you have to look forward to reading…..

“(757): Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don’t want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.”

The 757 is the area code and I am very proud that I hail originally from this area code. I get a little weepy eyed thinking that one of my old peeps might have texted that.

This one here HAS to be from Sarah. I know it’s the wrong area code but she could have changed it!!

(954): I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits

Ode to a Polar Pop

Oh delicious Polar Pop, how do I love thee?

You are the pinnacle of cold refreshing deliciousness on a hot day.

In the morning, I drive to any Circle K or BP and marvel at the crushed or cubed ice choice. I often chose crushed because it is very delicious.

By some form of magic or witchcraft, you stay cold and refreshing on my desk throughout the morning.

But you are not indestructible, if I am too forceful with you in my cup holder you will break because you are made of styrofoam.

Oh, Polar Pop, you make my morning complete. You are only 74 cents and provide me with hours of happiness.

Oh, Polar Pop, you don’t sweat on my desk like McDonald’s or Jimmy John’s drinks do.

The new love of my life.....

I love you Polar Pop. Please don’t ever change. And always please be Diet Dr. Pepper.

Bloodbath in my house

So, my son’s 4th birthday was last month and he really really really wanted a butterfly treehouse for his birthday.

See the happy children and the happy butterflies?

So Gus got a butterfly treehouse for his birthday. Well, the thing does not come with magic butterfly seeds. It comes with a voucher good for 3-5 larvae provided you enclose a check for shipping and handling. So, I figured with today’s technology, surely you can do this all online right? I mean, who writes checks anymore? Sure enough, you could order them online, provided you paid $15 and an additional $20 for express shipping. I opted to NOT pay the express shipping.

One week later I get an email that my credit card didn’t go through and I needed to re-order and they would cancel the original order. All the while Gus asks every day where his caterpillars are. So, I go ahead and do another order. Two days later, the original order shows up and my husband informs me that now we have been charged twice. So my job is to call/email this butterfly factory and figure out what happened. Meanwhile, another shipment of caterpillars show up a the house so we figure, eh, we’ll just have lots of butterflies now.

So we watch the little DVD that came with the treehouse and it says that when the butterflies come out of the pods, there might be a little red liquid and it’s not blood, it’s meconium which according to this DVD is leftover pigmentation. I remember meconium from when I gave birth and I wasn’t going to say one word about what I thought it was.

Well, yesterday three of the 7 butterflies hatched and there was this stuff all over the place. I am glad they tell you about it because my husband and I weren’t sure if the butterflies were violently murdering each other with knives OR one of them had an abortion. So, now I have to tell my son that the red stains all over the place is pigmentation, not the bloodbath it really looks like.

Just picture way more red stuff and this looks like the treehouse.

Garage Sale 2009 Update

So, Garage Sale: 2009 was a moderate success. We managed to get rid of 5% of our crap and are $172 richer. We spent $50 today on delicious BWs for linner (lunch-dinner) and are contemplating what the do with the rest of our haul.

Not to judge, but it was my observation that the vast majority of patrons did not have proper dental care during any signficant period of their life. I really am curious if it hurts to eat when you only have parts of your teeth left.

I know from experience when a cap came off in my own precious mouth I was in so much pain I told a 5 year-old and my own mother to “shut the fuck up!!” so I MUST have been in excruiating pain because I can’t imagine being allowed to live after telling her that under any normal circumstance. So in my brain, I am thinking that the stuff going on in these people’s mouths have to hurt, right?

I think this guy came back a few times.

It hurts me to look at it so it has to hurt in their mouths right? 

Best thing since the ShamWOW!!

I just found the BEST THING EVER on dlisted today.  I have posted the youtube video below and it needs NO set up but I am going to do it anyway.

Have you ever wiped your butt and said, “Man, this is hard to reach?”  Well, have I found the solution for you!!  The Comfort Wipe!!!

I am seriously considering buying 100 and giving them as gifts for the upcoming year (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, baby showers…etc)

My favorite part is when the fat dude says that there are some great things about being big and some not so great things or some crap like that. I really want to know what he is thinking is the good part of being fat? Is it the thigh sweat or the diabetes? Or how about not being able to wipe your own ass because YOU’RE TOO HUGE?!!?

Happy Birfday to me….

Happy Birthday to me,

I’m having a stupid garage sale.

I feel like people are judging mmmeeeeee,

Happy Birthday to me.

Nummy Numms

I said Nummy Numms yesterday and it always makes me think of this Twilight video parody. 

 

My review of the movie “Up”

Warning: There will be spoilers! But I will save you $7.50 if you so desire.

So, as the mother of a 4 year-old child, it is required by law that I take him to at least 2 children’s movies a year. You sign a contract at the hospital and they hunt you down if you don’t comply so you just do it. Sunday my husband and I took the little apple of our eye to see “Up”. I had heard positive reviews on NPR and other radio stations and television shows so I figured it would be a really good children’s movie ala Finding Nemo or Toy Story. Yeah, it’s a really good children’s movie if YOU WANT TO CRY CONSTANTLY!!! There were SOME funny parts and I get that there needs to be conflict but COME ON I am tired of having breakdowns in friggin cartoons!!

Here are the delightful tidbits that have me sitting in the bathtub at home sobbing like a little child who finds out Santa/dad has been stuck in the chimney for two weeks (talk about emotional scars huh?):

1. An adventurer is lost at sea via airship. And this is the LEAST traumatizing part.

2. A little boy and girl play in an old abandoned house and he subsequently falls on a rotting wooden board and breaks his arm. And I thought I was a neglectful mother because I forgot to take my kid to daycare and was driving straight to work. This makes me remember the time this chick named Jinger fell from the 2nd floor to the 1st and landed on her back. See, we snuck out and there was a new neighborhood being built and our favorite past-time was sneaking into the not so finished houses and drinking whatever alcohol we could steal from our parents OR the mall drugstore. We were certain that Jinger broke her back since she fell two stories but no one wanted to call her parents so she toughed it out. What a trooper! Oh, and the time someone threw a rock that accidentally hit Kim in the head(can’t remember her last name) at the pit and we HAD to call the parents because she would have bled to death. It was a big rock. Boulder-like even. I think that was on my birthday. Where was I?

3. We find out through glimpses that a happily married couple either miscarried a child and/OR cannot conceive. Well, doesn’t that just warm the cockles of you heart! Many friends and myself have dealt with infertility in one form or another so this was an especially FUN (teeth gritted here) “deer in the headlights-I just wanted to eat popcorn, not relive my life’s greatest despair in a movie theater” moment.

4. If infertility isn’t enough to make you want to throw yourself from the 2nd floor of an unfinished house, the wife dies before her and her husband can fullfill their life-long dream of traveling to South America. He kinda kills her by making her walk up to the hill they used to picnic on to give her to tickets because it was allllll downhill from there.

5. There’s a kid whose father has remarried and is mostly absent from his life. Is there a children’s movie out there where character in the story has both parents? I understand kids need to understand about death and divorce but I seriously am trying to enjoy my popcorn and not have to explain to my trembling-lipped child about the circle of life and reassure him that daddy and I will live together and he won’t have to pick which one of us to live with.

6. There is a pack of mean, ruthless dogs led by a crazy explorer who has to be at least 85-90 years old who attempts to kill the small boy, an endangered bird, and another old man. Both the dogs and the 80 year old try this. You were wondering if I meant the dogs or the crazy explorer dude. But they both tried. Yeah, it’s a feel good movie.

7. Did I mention the bird is a mother and is desperately trying to get back to her young birdlings because she was gathering food for them? This is while a pack of dogs is trying to hunt it down. And it keeps swallowing the old guy’s walker and it gets stuck in her throat.

8. Several dogs fall off a really tall cliff into a raging river. One dog grabs another by the throat and flings him off a cliff. Another dog disembowels a kitten. Just kidding. But you believed it for a second didn’t you?

So, all in all, the feel good movie of the year. The message is supposed to be something like life isn’t about the big things you do but about all the little things you do with the ones you love. Well duh!!

So save your money and stay at home and watch “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” this week and watch as your hatred of Spencer and Heidi reach new limits.