1. Gus slept in his own bed the last two nights. Granted, I fell asleep with him 1 of the 2. I am both happy and sad. We bribed him with a Gronkle. And those of you who are frowning on “family beds” and sleeping with your children, don’t bother calling DCFS. I looked it up, it ain’t illegal to sleep with your kids. And no, it is not sad that I looked it up. I am just making sure I don’t go to jail anytime soon.

2. Going to Oprah on Thursday. Of course don’t know what I am wearing because I KNOW Oprah is going to like my outfit (yeah right). I am probably going to be sitting in the tippy top last row. Or I’ll be in the “2nd” audience off to the side watching on a monitor. But that is ok because I am nervous about the possibility of picking my nose or having weird hair on camera.

3. Painting like crazy in our house in hope that someone will buy it. This century. I am liking that my house looks clean (most of the time) but I am not liking the constant smell of paint fumes.

4. Excited that we have hired someone to mow our grass this summer. I am feeling VERY Desperate Housewife-y. Not in the having an affair with the gardener (he’s kinda gross) but part of me wants to sit on a lawn-chair while he mows and wear a hat and sunglasses. Is that wrong?

So, my options are:

1. Go to the in-laws who have HBO and watch it there.  Hubby and Gus will probably tag along and since they don’t have DVR, we won’t be able to pause it when Gus has one of his 30 fits about vampires or whatever is bugging him at the moent.
2. I am pretty sure Dawn and Michelle from work have HBO.  It would be kinda weird to ask myself over their houses but this is an option.  Hubby will be pissed because I will make him stay at home with kiddo.
3. Get a hotel room at one of the seedy hotels in Danville.  It should only cost $20 but I am pretty sure I’ll get pregnant and clamaydia at the same time.
4. Convince hubby and roofing dudes to not fix the corner of the roof that the dish is attached to.
5. Do without it and watch it in a few weeks when our TV is up and running.
6. I am sure I can find clips of the finale on the internet during or shortly after but I am a little impatient so this probably won’t work.

Miss me?  How was your summer?

www.textsfromlastnight.com

It is BRAZILIANT!!

Here are some samples of what you have to look forward to reading…..

“(757): Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don’t want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.”

The 757 is the area code and I am very proud that I hail originally from this area code. I get a little weepy eyed thinking that one of my old peeps might have texted that.

This one here HAS to be from Sarah. I know it’s the wrong area code but she could have changed it!!

(954): I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits

You are the pinnacle of cold refreshing deliciousness on a hot day.

In the morning, I drive to any Circle K or BP and marvel at the crushed or cubed ice choice. I often chose crushed because it is very delicious.

By some form of magic or witchcraft, you stay cold and refreshing on my desk throughout the morning.

But you are not indestructible, if I am too forceful with you in my cup holder you will break because you are made of styrofoam.

Oh, Polar Pop, you make my morning complete. You are only 74 cents and provide me with hours of happiness.

Oh, Polar Pop, you don’t sweat on my desk like McDonald’s or Jimmy John’s drinks do.

The new love of my life.....

I love you Polar Pop. Please don’t ever change. And always please be Diet Dr. Pepper.

See the happy children and the happy butterflies?

So Gus got a butterfly treehouse for his birthday. Well, the thing does not come with magic butterfly seeds. It comes with a voucher good for 3-5 larvae provided you enclose a check for shipping and handling. So, I figured with today’s technology, surely you can do this all online right? I mean, who writes checks anymore? Sure enough, you could order them online, provided you paid $15 and an additional $20 for express shipping. I opted to NOT pay the express shipping.

One week later I get an email that my credit card didn’t go through and I needed to re-order and they would cancel the original order. All the while Gus asks every day where his caterpillars are. So, I go ahead and do another order. Two days later, the original order shows up and my husband informs me that now we have been charged twice. So my job is to call/email this butterfly factory and figure out what happened. Meanwhile, another shipment of caterpillars show up a the house so we figure, eh, we’ll just have lots of butterflies now.

So we watch the little DVD that came with the treehouse and it says that when the butterflies come out of the pods, there might be a little red liquid and it’s not blood, it’s meconium which according to this DVD is leftover pigmentation. I remember meconium from when I gave birth and I wasn’t going to say one word about what I thought it was.

Well, yesterday three of the 7 butterflies hatched and there was this stuff all over the place. I am glad they tell you about it because my husband and I weren’t sure if the butterflies were violently murdering each other with knives OR one of them had an abortion. So, now I have to tell my son that the red stains all over the place is pigmentation, not the bloodbath it really looks like.

Just picture way more red stuff and this looks like the treehouse.

Not to judge, but it was my observation that the vast majority of patrons did not have proper dental care during any signficant period of their life. I really am curious if it hurts to eat when you only have parts of your teeth left.

I know from experience when a cap came off in my own precious mouth I was in so much pain I told a 5 year-old and my own mother to “shut the fuck up!!” so I MUST have been in excruiating pain because I can’t imagine being allowed to live after telling her that under any normal circumstance. So in my brain, I am thinking that the stuff going on in these people’s mouths have to hurt, right?

I think this guy came back a few times.

Have you ever wiped your butt and said, “Man, this is hard to reach?”  Well, have I found the solution for you!!  The Comfort Wipe!!!

I am seriously considering buying 100 and giving them as gifts for the upcoming year (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, baby showers…etc)

My favorite part is when the fat dude says that there are some great things about being big and some not so great things or some crap like that. I really want to know what he is thinking is the good part of being fat? Is it the thigh sweat or the diabetes? Or how about not being able to wipe your own ass because YOU’RE TOO HUGE?!!?

I’m having a stupid garage sale.

I feel like people are judging mmmeeeeee,

Happy Birthday to me.